Not This Again

I know you’ve heard it before, but I’m going to inform you like this.

When progressing forward in life, keeping your well-being “psychological status” intact is a requirement.

If you continue to put off or ignore your mental and emotional struggles, you’re going to ruin your chances of forming a life that aligns with your needs and dreams.

The overflow of tension and strain that emerges from negative thoughts and emotions, will diminish your livelihood and your zest for life.

So, you’ve gotta be willing to learn how to defuse your day-to-day psychological stressors.

Otherwise, they’ll get the best of you by enticing you to shut down on solutions, other people, and your desires.

Ultimately robbing you of your peace of mind, health, relationships, life progress, and fulfillment.

What’s WRONG with You

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Uncertainty Had Me in a Chokehold

July 26, 2024, at 11:25 am I finally pressed publish.

I purchased the domain PeaceWithShanti in September of 2020 as a birthday present to myself.

I figured that was the perfect way to gift myself the freedom to align with my desire to teach and blog.

I was so excited during the initial phase. 

Just knowing that there was a way to make money outside of my job was so exhilarating.

I felt hopeful and inspired; ready to take on any necessary task to get closer to my dream of being my own boss.

I was all in for the journey until my momentum and excitement started to slow down.

The uncertainty of what to do next kept setting me back further and further; 4 years to be exact.

From the brain’s perspective stalling appears to be the best and safest thing to do.

So, if you don’t develop the right skills to remedy your hesitancy you will self-sabotage and prevent yourself from accomplishing any of your goals.

The Illusion of Productivity

As more days, weeks, and months passed the more stress and overwhelm weighed down on my shoulders.

I tried every useful suggestion that I came across in an attempt to get myself to follow through.

I got a “blogger” laptop.

Bought courses like I was a kid in a candy store, I spent $933.80 worth to be exact.

I followed other bloggers and educators for more tips.

Watch a lot of YouTube videos.

And I took enough notes to write 2 books.

The crazy part is that I couldn’t tell you how to strategically apply any of the information I wrote down, even if you paid me.

I was an incredible note-taker who never applied anything.

I thought I was being productive.

I was always “working” but never creating a useful outcome.

I was “doing” the most but not making any constructive progress.

I wasn’t moving the flag down the path that would lead me to my dream.

I was going nowhere.

Fast.

My Own Worst Critic

From the start of my journey, I’d placed so much pressure on myself to be great; to not make a mistake.

A big part of me needed everything to appear picture-perfect.

I was always straddling the fence between perfection and unsuitable.

I couldn't even move a centimeter ahead.

It became impossible to ever step over the starting line.

I was my biggest worst critic.

I would critique and critique some more.

I disapproved of everything.

“Nothing was good enough.”

“I wasn’t good enough.”

I was too self-conscious

Have you ever had this fear in the back of your mind of what others would have to say about you or your ideas?

Not only was I uncomfortable with seeing my own imperfections, but I was more afraid of being called out for a flaw.

That fear sat in the front, center, and back of my mind, discouraging me from launching any of my new ideas into the world.

Anytime I thought about a negative review or what anyone would have to say about me as a writer, teacher, and business owner, fear crept in and blew out my whole fire.

It made me motionless.

I believed that it was safer not to start.

I just couldn't risk it.

As time passed I became so self-conscious and worried about how “putting myself out there” would expose me to negative criticism that I even thought of not renewing my domain subscription.

Anytime I thought about publishing I could hear people saying:

“What the hell is Shanti talking about?”

“Shanti has no idea what she’s doing.”

I felt like Bambie out in an open field with no trees to hide behind.

I was an open target with no protection, vulnerable to verbal attacks from anyone.

I wasn’t ready for the dislikes, rejection, or disapproval that could come from friends and family, let alone any other judges anywhere else in the world.

I never verbalized out loud that I was afraid, but it surely made me delay my decision to publish Peace with Shanti.

I Was All Over the Place

Not only was the decision of not starting due to fear of judgment but also because I was unskilled in practical decision making.

I couldn’t decide which action to prioritize over the other.

I’d start my day with the intention of completing one task and halfway into it I’d decide that another task was more important than the current.

I could give you plenty of excuses to support my reason for incompletion.

I could say that it was due to me being bombarded with new information and must-dos every minute, but nah that wasn’t the real truth.

The truth was, I had no effective schedule nor suitable habits to help myself to complete a task.

I did not create a workable system that streamlined and organized my time responsibly.

I was causing my own setbacks and I didn’t even realize it.

I had no set intention of starting or completing.

It took me years to understand that checking off a to-do list is not a system.

It doesn’t give you a structured game plan of steps.

Completing tasks that help you to move from one step to the next is a system.

5 skills you need to start and follow through

1.

Uncertainty builds up a block of fear around your eagerness to take action towards your goals.

The uncertainty of where to go or what to do next stops you from making the decision to start.

I know this sounds odd, but I can reassure you that once you decide to start, you will develop the intellect of where to go and what to do next.

Emotional awareness will serve you best during this decision-making process.

By building your ability to process doubtful emotions you lessen the chances of uncertainty wrecking your goals.

Strong emotional regulation skills, boost trust in your abilities to get yourself through any challenge while pursuing your goals.

That trust raises your self-confidence, giving you the courage to finally start.

2.

To start and complete any goal, make sure that you understand the differences between researching and production.

Keep in mind that they are 2 separate ends of the goal spectrum.

One is idea generation and one is idea production and performance.

Idea generation: “Research”

Idea Production: “Testing, Failing, and Measuring results”.

This skill ensures that you’re pouring life and energy onto the right grounds to fertilize your steps, goals, and dreams.

Learn from me, too much information consumption and not enough implementation creates frustration, stagnation, and delay.

“Less ideas, more testing.”

Use that as a mantra to stay on the performance side of the spectrum.

3.

Perfectionism is an illusion that festers from the ideas and standards of other people.

It encourages you to substitute your unique insight for external opinions.

Because you’re trying to perform like others, it trains you to live from an endless state of improvement.

In reality, there’s no set flawless one-way.

A perfectionist mindset will tie you up and cause you to delay and shut down your dreams.

Teach your brain to see perfectionism as a flaw.

A defect that only you can correct through personal self-validation.

The sooner you give your unique vision and goals the stamp of approval, the more confident you are to step over the starting line to make your way to the finish mark.

4.

The fear of not being accepted is a real threat to your brain.

Since the beginning of time, our brains have been conditioned to seek social support and consent from the people around us.

If your goal doesn’t line up with the goals of your current tribe then you’re less likely to step forward as it might stir up negative attention within your group.

The survival part of you can’t risk being rejected.

Develop your self-reliance skills to prove to your brain that you can be your own best friend and safety net.

It forms the belief that you know how to have your own back.

By growing support and trust in yourself, you’ll no longer fear judgment nor look for approval from anyone outside of yourself.

Breaking away from a tribe feels scary but you aren’t going to die, it just feels that way.

5.

Budgeting your time will always be a requirement and valuable skill if you want to stop sabotaging your goals.

When you decide not to calendar your list of steps, you decide to block the possibility of you intentionally reaching your goals.

The key is to take the right action consistently not just here and there.

Otherwise, you’ll be recycling steps that keep you trapped in the woods and the goal is to make it out of the woods to the main road of your dreams.

Calendaring designated time specifically for your goal’s development is essential.

It’s the lifeline that vitalizes your actions.

Stop saying you have too much on your plate and take responsibility for how you decide to use your 1,440 minutes in the day.

Constructive use of your time will prevent you from thinking about starting to realistically starting and completing.

And as a hint, every time you say you don’t have time, it means that starting is not the priority.

We’ve all got the same 24 winning tickets of hours so use them strategically to make your desires come to life.

Put away the excuses and over-analyzing, and take the lead on showing up for the life that you say you want.

One of the hardest challenges comes when trying to understand why your partner does what they do.

Some behaviors just don't make sense.

I'm sure you can name 2 to 4 things that they either say or do that annoy the crap out of you.

I know I’m not the only person who can name a few behaviors that bother them.

Tell me you that you cant name that 1 action or lack thereof that just gets on your nerves? 

 I bet you can name it in less than 3 minutes.

Sidenote: Remember this habit because we’ll do a mini coaching session with it later in the “taking responsibility for the red flag” section.

In the meantime, I’ll tell you about my little situation.

It happened on a Sunday morning between the hours of 8:30 and 11 am.

I got up and did some writing, cleaned the floors,  got dressed for the day, wrote out a grocery list, prepped our lunch, and started laundry all while watching my boyfriend relax on the couch. 

I was so annoyed !!

I immediately thought “Red flag”.

Something about that picture kept getting under my skin. 

I’m thinking to myself like, “Don't you have something that you could be doing with your time too?”

“I’m over here doing all of this and you’re over there relaxing?”

If you've ever said that to yourself then you know what I’m talking about.

I didn’t know where all of my irritation was stemming from.

What I did know is that I needed to figure out a way to calm my nerves before I said something out loud that I couldn’t take back or might feel bad about later.

WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? 

Some may ask why can’t you just let it go?

Why are you making it such a big deal?

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My family had to sell me on the idea of getting a dog.

Family: “We could go on walks.”

Me: “ Y'all know I really enjoy a good walk.”

Family: “It’ll be fun.”

Me: “I hope so.” 

Family: 

“They’re so lovable.”

“They just want to love you.”

“We’re all going to take care of it.”

“Y'all are going to be like best friends.”

“We really want a dog Shanti, mom, please.”

Me: “ok.”

A few weeks later, we adopted a 10-week-old borador named Lewis.

The first day home, I changed his name to Levi, like the jeans.

After 2 weeks, we renamed him Dash-of-fur, pronounced like Christopher.

But we call him Dash for short.

Im failing as a dog mom

I hate taking him out for walks, he doesn’t like to be on a leash at all.

I can't stand when a dog smells like “dog”.

If you know you know…

His fur travels all over the house, gross. 

Continuous barking at random times day or night, that’s just too much noise.

Pissing on the rug, yuck.

Always following me around; I need some space, please..

Why is this so hard !!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody, Anybody…… Help 

It had been about 14 months with the dog and I was still having the hardest time conforming to a dog living with me.

Why Do I Hate My Dog ?

How To Not Hate My Dog?

What To Do If I Hate My Dog?

Some of my search inquiries on Reddit and YouTube.

There were a lot of mixed suggestions.

Some say just get rid of him.

But at this point, it had been over a year, so he’s practically family and you don't just get rid of family.

Right ??? IDK….

Some suggested just putting him outside.

I thought about it but then I would feel bad for putting him outside like a dog.

Look!

I know he’s a dog but I just couldn’t, ok!

Besides, my boyfriend didn’t like the idea of that either.

Is It Ok To Say That I’m Not Ok? 

I’m not ok.

3 months later I scheduled 3 therapy sessions to talk about me and the dog.

I needed some ways to cope. 

I was having a mental and emotional breakdown.

For whatever reason I just couldn’t take it.

I tried so hard but I just couldn't get used to having a dog live with me. 

Everyday that I woke up, I hated being at home because of the dog.

It's like I couldn't tolerate being under the same roof.

This isn't an exaggeration..

I had to find other places to go just so that I wouldn’t have to be in the house.

I sat at the library, the bookstore, the park, and sometimes I just sat in the car in the driveway.

My therapist suggested that I just talk to my family about the dog.

Tell them why I'm having a hard time with the dog. 

“I already did that !”

They’re already aware of my problems.

They’ve already implemented the changes to resolve the issues. 

I don’t take him on solo walks anymore. 

We have a mobile grooming service that comes to the house every month and sometimes he’s even taken to our local dog wash center in between monthly grooming just so that he doesn’t smell like a dog.

We have a robotic vacuum that’s scheduled to come on 3 times a day to pick up his fur.

We got rid of the rugs when he was a puppy,but I still can’t allow a rug in the house even though he’s potty trained.

The dog is way more familiar with his surroundings so his barking has gotten a little better.

Now, he only barks like crazy when new people and dogs are walking past the window.

The office has been turned into a designated spot just for me so that I can create some distance between myself and the dog.

He still follows me around at times but he understands that he isn't permitted into the office space, so he’ll just lay at the door and watch me from there.

See, so all of those previous issues have been addressed, but I still can't deal.

At times I think I'm ok, but I’m really not.

I Am About To Throw It All Away 

A month later, my insides are still boiling.

Whatever this was was bigger than what therapy could resolve inside of me. 

I'm still trying to hold on but my patience is wearing down like a pencil nub.

I don't want to give an ultimatum about the dog, but man , I’m about to end my relationship and move on. 

I’ve gotta do something about this, like right now !!

Seek And Ye Shall Find

I don't know how it found me, but all I can say is that when you’re actively trying to solve a problem, things line up and appear in the most impromptu ways.

I came across a podcast episode that mentioned how mindfulness coaching could help you to solve any problem you have.

“Really”???

“Any Problem”??

I went back and forth with myself for 2 days, weighing out the benefits and questioning whether or not this could really help me, because, at this point, my problem had me in a chokehold.

On the 3rd day, I decided to commit.

Within the first 4 weeks, I could tell that something was different.

On an agitation scale of 1-10, It was no longer at “100”.

I  felt a tad less agitated about Dash so now I would give the scale a solid 8.

Well, maybe a 7 and a half. 

Yea, a 7 and a half.

At least now, I can refer to him as Dash instead of the dog.

How did I do it? How did it happen?

My coach taught me that it was my own thoughts causing me all the pain.

No matter the circumstance, If I change my perspective then my feelings will update and adjust as well.

Prior to coaching, all of my thoughts about Dash were very negative which led to all the heavy emotions. 

I tried many different thoughts until I found one that felt right.

One that gave my insides some relief.

“Given that he’s a dog, Dash is doing the very best that he knows how to do.”

I practiced that new thought every time I had a negative thought about him so just know that 9 out of 10 of my thoughts were negative so there was a lot of practice being done.

Thankfully I stuck with it because my agitation scale doesn't even exist anymore, it's been replaced by a new perspective. 

And guess what…..

I got my dog a dog, lmao..

Dash-of-fur has a sister now, her name is Pepper.

Why Am I Like This

When coming to the realization that my agitation began and ended with me, I wanted to know why I had the temperament that I did about dogs.

Why were my thoughts and emotions so different from my boyfriend’s and even from my own son’s for that matter?

Why was I so emotionally dysregulated about having Dash in my space?

There was something deeper than I could place my finger on.

I had to travel back into my childhood to see where the development of my perspective of dogs originated from.

This Isn't A Good Thing

Growing up my experiences with  and around the topic of dogs were mixed:

When I was about 7 years old, there was this cute little scruffy stray dog that kinda resembled a Bolognese that my mom allowed me to leave food out for.

I saw her often so I named her Tuga.

Also when I was  9, my mom brought home a beautiful white fluffy dog named Snow for a few days; I think we were watching her for my mom’s friend.

I was 11 when my mom passed away from cancer, but I can honestly say that my interactions with dogs were pretty neutral before her passing.

Though I will say that I remember distinctly, the incident that programmed my bias in reference to the smell associated with a dog.

We were visiting someone's house and when we left I asked her why did their house smell like that?

She told me that the smell was coming from the dogs .

I remember telling her that I DID NOT like that smell at all. 

Fast forward about 2 years, I’m 13 now and I hear a family tell another member that they don't know if they want to come over to eat since they have a dog there.

They predicted that there would be fur all over the place.

That was an eye-opening moment.

Overtime I latched on to the beliefs that had been passed from member to member: 

 We aren't dog people.

Dogs are disgusting.

People living with dogs/animals are nasty.

It's disgusting to have a dog in your house.

Fast forward 23 years, I was holding a derogatory template in place that associated the presence of a dog in the home as nasty.

That's why I was losing my damn mind.

The unconscious part of my mind held a belief that I’m nasty and dogs are nasty.

I never want to feel nasty or leave that kind of impression.

Now, I understand why neither my boyfriend nor my son understood what my brain was going through.

Neither one of them had ever been brought up on a template that gave them the perspective that dogs were inappropriate for the home.

They never felt that they were at risk of being rejected if they had a dog in their home.

That's a topic for another day.

They just knew that owning a dog would be a happy thing, a good thing.

 A New Route

Most of the world doesn't realize that our beliefs are thought patterns downloaded onto a template passed down from one another.

This template holds a list of suggestions for how you should think about certain circumstances in your life.

They don’t understand that every thought pattern is a box of opinions, labels, and ideas that we identify as our mind frame.

Holding onto this box makes changing your mindset difficult as it sits at the forefront of every decision that you’ll ever make for your life.

Trying to clear this box is an overwhelming task because it's hard to decide which opinions to keep and which ones to let go of.

I want you to be intentional about who you decide to get unpacking advice from.

Getting support from those who believe and rely on the very box of patterns that you’re trying to clear out may just get you labeled as rebellious or crazy; as they tend to believe that all other thought patterns are insane, so why even change it.

I want you to still choose to re-route your thought patterns anyway.

Choosing to believe differently isn’t you saying that others are wrong for their thought patterns.

You’re saying that you’re choosing not to confine yourself to a thought pattern that isn’t supporting the life that you want to have.

It's you choosing to take responsibility for the beliefs that have caused you so much internal strife and discontentment.

By making yourself responsible for your beliefs, you permit yourself to upload a new template; A new mind frame that offers you better thoughts and perspectives for the life that you want to evolve into.

With that, give yourself the authority to allow greater and wider lanes of ideas to access every area of your life.

Comparison happens at a young age.

My first memory of comparison was in the 3rd grade.

This boy had a crush on me and another girl at the same time.

It wasn't an issue until it was brought to attention that he didn’t know who he liked more.

Back then, I didn't know why I felt so uneasy or why I even felt a feeling at all.

Today I would say it was a sense of threat because unconsciously I had competition.

I can still recall the day I looked at her to get an idea of what made her an option.

That day, I compared my pretty to her pretty.

We were the same size “small 3rd graders”.

Dressed cute “I think”.

We both had long hair.

So what was the difference??

Back then I would say the texture of our hair.

Today I would say we were just two fun-spirited little girls, adored by the same little boy.

Back then, I didn't realize that I was comparing our appearances in hopes of coming out on top “winning the boy”.

Today I understand that the urge to compare my appearance to her appearance is normal and natural.

A Quick Debriefing

What does it even mean in society to compare your appearance anyway?

I went to Google for this one. 

Appearance:

the state, condition, manner, or style in which a person or object appears; outward look or aspect: 

A person’s presence or demeanor

Now that we’ve got some clarity let's dive a little deeper into the aspects of comparison and why we compare.

The Game You Play

Appearance is the battle for status and recognition.

Appearance is a game of survival.

It's the animal urge of survival but in human form.

Call it survival of the fittest.

Since the beginning of time, mammals have been in competition fighting for their chance to be at the top and in charge.

For example, chimpanzees fight each other to display their strength amongst each other.

The “stronger” chimp wins the position of importance “alpha” over the group.

The alpha is ensured that their mating needs will be met first.

The alpha becomes the group’s leader -AKA holds the appearance for respect and recognition.

This is natural and normal.

If you take a closer look you’ll recognize the urge for survival in yourself and other people.

Just zoom in on all the small appearance and status habits of the people that you know and you’ll see it for yourself.

You and everyone else want to be recognized and respected but challenges come when you’re trying to raise your status but don’t know how.

And without understanding where it starts, you’ll keep ranking low- AKA feeling like

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It was 6 of us together for 5 days.

I had so much fun.

We stayed at a beautiful resort that came with all of the amenities including rum punch for days on end.

For our first authentic meal we went to Scotchies, y’all it was so good.

We hung out with some of the locals and danced at some of the best music spots.

And of course we enjoy plenty of excursions, Dunn’s River Falls being one of them, well that one was scary but fun nonetheless.

My high spirit crashed big time when it was time to leave and head back home.

There was just this sunken feeling that put me in an irritable mood for the rest of the day.

I told my best friend that if I didn't have priorities at home, I would’ve found a way for me to stay.

Something in me hated the thought of going back to my day-to-day life.

It was boring and very unsatisfying.

I pretty much had the same routine that structured the flow of my day.

House tasks, mom stuff, exercise, work, back home, repeat.

I lived my life in that cycle for at least 10 years.

Though in 2021 my responsibilities changed a tad, I was still in a routine that was very unfulfilling.

House tasks, mom stuff occasionally, classes, repeat.

It was during this phase that I began to feel lower and lower about life as a whole.

I questioned the point of life a lot.

If life is going to feel this bad, what's the point of living at all??

You’re 1 in 8 billion

It took a lot of self-reflection and trial and error to get through my darkest thoughts and heaviest feelings.

Thankfully I decided to remain consistent and stick with it.

Had I given up, I wouldn’t have understood that the purpose of our existence is to acknowledge all of our life’s connections while expressing pure human existence during our human transformation.

As a gift to mankind, you are given full range to participate as little or as much as you’d like in the formation of your life.

You get to create a life that has meaning to you.

Before that discovery, I didn’t understand how our lives were happening for us, not to us.

I didn’t know that our thoughts, actions, or inactions seeded and authorized the outcomes in our lives.

Without that discovery, I would’ve continued to hate my life and believed that my life had no purpose.

As of June 20, 2024, there are 8,019,876,189 of us in this world.

And guess what, even in a world with billions of others, there will always and only BE one YOU to have ever existed.

That’s the point of you living.

YOU’RE STUCK IN YOUR NORM

Even with the keys and full range to create a life you’d prefer, you insist on choosing pathways that cause your mood to be in a funk every day.

Congrats to you If you’re one of those people who do believe in having some type of planning, schedule, or organization for your day.

I'm sure without it, you might find yourself spending time doing unessential things that serve no main progress towards your intent for the day.

I’m a planner myself, so I understand what it’s like to have a main way of doing things, but it does you more harm than good to pedestal a style that excludes the options of rearranging your methods.

A dogmatic approach will cause you to miss out on so many other ways to approach your end goals, as it totally dismisses and restricts diversity from more ways in which you could manifest your outcomes.

It does your life some good to be flexible.

You can keep the same goal but be open to repositioning your method to achieve the goal.

As for certain an obstacle will pop up and when it does you’ll have no trouble rearranging a pattern to resolve the problem.

You’ll never have to worry about any goal being too hard or too unobtainable when you practice the skill of flexibility.

Afraid Of Coloring Outside The Lines

I do want to reassure you that having a method is in fact very helpful as it ensures that you are completing your tasks; however, it doesn't have to be so robotic.

A routine that lacks even a little human modification here and there strips away the chance of excitement or any other positive emotion.

As a routine becomes repetitive it goes into autopilot and without some refreshing here and there, that routine starts to feel like more a job/chore that you no longer look forward to.

Your day feels boring/mundane, it likes having the exact same meal every night.

That would be very unfulfilling don’t you think, maybe even a little sad.

So the same thing goes for your scheduling, if your day begins and ends the same way it always does, it becomes your norm.

And your norm becomes unfulfilling.

Venture out of that safety zone a bit.

It’ll help you to feel alive, like you’re living with a purpose.

Sprinkle in some entertainment into those day-to-day pattern(s).

Have fun creating a variety of new norms, coloring outside of your lines.

Gatekeeping Your Transformation

Oh the other end of planning, there’s either no planning or worse, no plan at all.

Today, we’ll call that transformational gatekeeping.

Where there's no plan, there’s no structure.

Where there’s no structure, there’s nothing to look forward to in your day.

If there’s nothing to look forward to in your day, your needs go unmet.

When your needs are unmet you plan for a life that you wont enjoy.

Growing into a life that you don’t enjoy leads to you dreading today and hating your life.

On the other end with a plan is a fruitful and satisfying life.

Deciding to plan will ensure you’ll have more peaceful days, naturally setting the tone for a content and constructive life.

Either you can be overwhelmed and have no flow or you can be decisive and balanced and be in flow.

When there's no flow, you’ll naturally opt- to fill your life with distractions. 

A life filled with distractions is a stagnated life.

A stagnated life blocks the flow of progression in your life.

When there’s no progression there’s no sense of purpose.

No steps = no action = no evidence of moving forward = a dreaded life

Your life isn't meant to be stagnant.

Your life’s purpose is movement.

A purpose to transform from one moment to the next with one step to the next.

With each step taken, you’re intentionally participating in the direction and progression of your life.

Become the person who participates and guides their transformations.

Plan for movement and you’ll encourage your growth.

You Won’t Use A Flashlight

There’s a very heavy connotation around the word failure that causes you and so many others to fear it.

Failures are very useful, it’s like having a 200,000-lumen flashlight that never loses power.

Failures are a light source as you travel an unknown journey ahead.

Failures is your map of guidance that steers you out of distress and leads you to the next best step.

Failure is that tank of momentum that fuels you with a belief ensuring/reassuring you that you are in fact projecting your vision into your reality.

You never have to give up if you don’t want to.

Don’t be afraid of going into failure.

Decide a path and make failing a success.

FINESSED BY THE HIGHLIGHTS

I was in awe the whole time I was in Jamaica.

Everything just felt so right; like a dream that you don’t want to be interrupted.

Like a privilege that you don’t want taken away.

I’d gotten caught up in the allure of being in an environment that felt so perfect.

Anything other than that would be unacceptable, which initiated my dread of having to go back home.

I unconsciously picked out the elaborate aspects of the trip and weighed those features against my day-to-day lifestyle.

The imbalance made me hate my lifestyle, it wasn’t nearly as attractive; it didn’t have Jamaica’s highlights.

I was unconsciously romanticizing the lifestyle.

I was comparing my reality to a fantasy, founded by the idea that if my life were more like “this”, then I’d feel good every day of the week.

I call it a fantasy because it’s unrealistic to expect to live your day-to-day life, as you would on vacation.

I mean think about it, while on vacation you’re imagining any and everything you’re going to do that you don’t have access to or time for at home.

In a fantasy world, you aren’t thinking of prioritizing time for finances or work responsibilities; you have unlimited resources to do whatever, whenever.

In reality, you would need to ensure that you have income to take care of yourself right?

On vacation, you’re prioritizing your day to spend your money and time doing entertaining things; on things that don’t involve work.

Also in a fantasy, you don’t take into account that you're living in a world of targeted hospitality.

Their tactic is specifically centered to wow you.

It’s the industry’s job to provide you and million of others with outstanding service, its how they get you to pay your money.

And they’ll make it so good that you’ll want to stay forever.

In reality, if you were to stay there forever and become a part of the culture, you would see different aspects and behaviors, some that you wouldn’t particularly like, just as you do back home.

Don’t fall into the scheme of the highlights, it isn’t real.

YOU’VE GOTTA BEND A LITTLE

The very next time you get the urge to write your life off as boring, flip it over and write in what you’ll do to revitalize some of your day-to-day habits so that you can satisfy the side of you that urges for a different life.

Create a plan to not hate your life and act on it.

Identify some aspects that you admire and create a schedule that’ll alter some of those aspects into your daily norm.

Be flexible and you’ll spring into a fulfilling life.

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Their not good, I’m not good

It’s hard watching someone you care about go through a hard time.

Whether they’re complaining about their circumstances or blaming the world for their problems, it’s hard to be around.

When they feel bad, you feel bad. 

When it becomes too uncomfortable to watch, you get the urge to jump in and fix the problem or at least do something so that those bad feelings go away for both of you.

That’s your sympathy programming at work. 

If you were encouraged as a child to have concern or care for others you were taught to have sympathy.

You may have also been taught that it’s your responsibility to help other people to feel better.

Their burdens become your burdens and if you don’t display compassion for their heavy load, that person tends to feel insulted.

Either that person or others may shame you by saying that you’re not doing your part to help lessen their heavy load.

And for you, shame is a very heavy, uncomfortable feeling to carry inside.

So in an attempt to not feel shameful and be seen as the “bad guy,” you’ll give in and offer your assistance in hopes of staying in the clear of being labeled “a bad person”.

Good People Take Care of Themselves Too

What if you offer your assistance (the best way you know how) and they don't use it?

They still feel bad, you feel worse, so now, heavy feelings are just multiplying.

You’re stuck between their tangent and your sanity.  

Depending on the relationship, you can't always leave or block the person out of your life.

You can however transition the way you show up and participate in situations like that so that you never have to feel like the bad person, ever.

In any and every one of your relationships, you’re going to employ a leadership

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I’ve got 15 months remaining before I collect the beautiful 40 era stone.

Its been quite the journey thus far.

Before I line the page to document the next milestone ahead, I wanted to re-count back so that you have a view behind the curtains, just to give you a deeper look of where I’ve come from.

I’ve experienced quite a few up and down heavy life moments, some I almost threw in the towel to.

Thankfully, emotional regulation came to the rescue because I’m still here participating in the waves of life speaking to you.

The life exercises that I’ve transitioned through over the past 30 years, has laid the foundation of what inspires me today - AKA why I’m passionate about the things that I’m passionate about at this very moment.

My passions have summoned in me the desire to show you that creating a satisfying and quality life doesn’t have to continue to be as stressful and as hard as it has been for you.

- AKA why I created Peace With Shanti

MILESTONES - ( I’m about to get naked )

0-5

“Hey world” 

Life feels SAFE, COMFY, and LOVING

I'm healthy, happy ,learning, growing and playing with my little sister these days 

“Mommy and Daddy” love me. 

5-9

“ I love my life”

Life feels ENERGETIC, FRIENDLY,  and BRIGHT

I'm having the time of my life, doing so many fun things, going to so many places and laughing a whole lot.

Life is good. Life is great

9-10

“My life and world is changing. 

Life feels SCARY,  DIFFERENT, and UNCERTAIN 

I’m seeing my mom go to a lot of doctor appointments and take a lot of medicine.  

We’re not doing as much or having as much fun anymore.

11

“My Mom dies from stomach cancer”

Life feels NUMB, UNFAIR, DEVASTATING, EMBARRASSING and BROKEN

11-15

“ Playtime is over ” I start looking out for me and my little sister.

Life feels CONFUSING,  AWKWARD,  and UNSAFE. 

I make sure I'm a good girl “people pleaser” and do as I’m told so that other people want me around. I fear being left again .

Disconnect from childhood and adopt more mature responsibilities.

15-18

“ I just need to survive”

Life feels LONELY and STRESSFUL

I try to cope and distract myself just to get through this hard spot. I also graduate a year early so that I don’t drop out of high school.

Survival mode locked in. 

18-25

“I’m a mom now and life seems a little better.

Life feels HOPEFUL, ENERGETIC and POSITIVE

I’m in college, doing fun things with my son, family and friends.

Times are nice.

25-30

“Life isn’t lining up with the picture that I predicted for myself. By now I should have accomplished so much more.

Life feels DEPRESSING, DISAPPOINTING and FRUSTRATING

I cope by working alot and dating. I’m trying my best to be a good mom and sister.

I’m just here.

30-35

“I’m not good enough. I really hate life. Death sounds better than being here.”

I feel ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED,  INSECURE, STRESSED, EMPTY and UNHAPPY

I am dealing with health issues, work issues, and family issues. I keep a fake smile planted on my face to pretend that life is ok.  

Living is feeling too much like a chore. Its just too much to handle but I’m too afraid to attempt suicide. What if I don't do it right , then I’m stuck here in a vegetative state !!

35-36

“I better plan to do something if I want to feel better”

Living becomes a bit more REFRESHING, ENCOURAGING, and INTERESTING

I quit my job in healthcare and dedicated my focus to taking care of SELF first. I learn new attentive and healthier ways to process my emotions and focus on living wholeheartedly. 

I’m becoming the type of person that takes initiative to fulfill her own desires.

36 - Present Day

“Today, I live a passionate life.” 

Today I am HAPPIER, SELF-ASSURED, OPTIMISTIC, ATTENTIVE, and most of all AT PEACE no matter the season of life

I apply a great deal of passion into understanding how to hire my brain to acquire the life that I want. I take steps everyday to fulfill my own needs and desires. I focus my attention on building the right skills and habits that’ll allow me to be fulfilled in all aspects of my life..

Living is so worth it !!!!!

My PEACEFUL mission

Over the last 2 years, I’ve built some unique techniques that have helped me to peacefully get through our normal, everyday life challenges such as:

-Relationship Conflicts

-Stress and Depression

&

-Goal Stagnation and Incompletion

By trusting in my abilities to make the right decisions for my life, I now know how to FORM healthy relationships, MAINTAIN my mental and emotional health, and Accomplish the hard goals.

Creating healthy boundaries for myself and learning how to have my own back has given me the skills to manage all of my life challenges, no matter the circumstances.

I’ve made peace with the waves of my up and down emotions by:

Doing the work that’s needed for me to feel better about my life.

Throwing the perfectionist behavior out the window and getting better at making mistakes and errors.

Taking responsibility for every thought and interpretation I have about my life and others.

Not blaming anyone else for my up and down emotions. MY feelings will always be MY responsibility.

And by creating leverage over my life experiences by taking full responsibility for every action and inaction that I display.

I Am Not Special. 

I just decided to develop skills that assist me with showing up for the life that I want to experience.

These skills have given me relief from my personal discontentment and unhappiness. 

These skills have helped me to understand others, allowing me to grow healthier relationships and connections to others.

These skills have given me access to forge a genuine and satisfying life experience for myself. One that I can authentically and happily call my own.

You’re Unique So Your Resources Should Be To

As for you, YOU already have the potential inside to create an authentic and satisfying life of your own, you just need assistance with constructing the right skills and habits to connect with yourself on a deeper level to create the results that you want without so much friction.

My intention is to supply you with unique, alternative solutions that’ll teach you how to become the leading creator in your own life, allowing you to grow and build the connections that serve you the most.

You’ll learn to expand your mental potential beyond where you’re currently stagnated. 

During our time together I’ll share a lot of personal experiences with you, so use my story as a template to plug into your own challenges so that you too can :

• Manage your own emotional challenges

• Increase your self-reliance so that you can produce the life that you want.

• Replace the hard parts of your life with lots of contentment and empowerment

  You’re only a HABIT away

  This is Peace With Shanti.

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